2009 Year End Summary

I've been very busy recently, so here is an abbreviated summary of the end of 2009 for my family.

As previously noted, my father-in-law had moved in with us in November, and then he suddenly passed away the week before Thanksgiving. His funeral went well, and I spent one day before the funeral going through some of the things he had left in his old place that he had intended to move looking for financial paperwork. Then, my wife and I spent another day with a lot of help from friends and neighbors of his moving things out of his place and into storage before the November rent ran out. Each trip was 3+ hours each direction, so we tried to get as much done as we could each time. Sadly, the passing of my father-in-law lead to yet another straw on the camel's back of my wife and her remarried mother's relationship, and combined with the many other straws that had been piling up as my wife and her mother tried to build a new relationship, it has lead to my wife realizing that her mother is emotionally abusive to her and is not changing. We have cut off all contact again to protect my wife and children from further abuse.

In December, my oldest son had some difficulties at home and at school due to missing his grandpa. They were very close. We were afraid that he might try to start another fire, but instead his former obsessions with water and electricity manifested themselves when he took a radio power cord at school, filled a sink in the girls bathroom with water, and then connected the wires for the water faucet sensors to the radio power cord and dropped it in the water. Fortunately, he then went to the office to report that "someone" had done all that. We got him into his counselor, and he's been dealing with the grief and loss better since then. He's been helped a lot by having good family and friends around to spend time with.

The week before Christmas, we had my youngest son start wheezing due to some kind of cold combined with his asthma. We went to the doctor's office, and the PA who examined him did a strep culture, which came back negative. He then told us that it must be the flu, and the only flu going around right then was the swine flu. My youngest was put on Tamiflu, along with myself and another of my children since it was thought that we would have the most severe consequences if we got swine flu too. I started working from home so as not to infect anyone, and by about the third or fourth day we started thinking that it was a misdiagnosis. Thankfully, no one got very sick from whatever it was, but it was a pain to lay out $150 for all the Tamiflu. Still, that's better than what it would have cost without insurance.

It turned out to be a blessing that I was working from home that week. A few days before the "swine flu" incident, my wife started feeling sick to her stomach and having a lot of diarrhea. The week of Christmas, her pain intensified and became so severe that I had her into the ER early Wednesday morning, then again Christmas night, and then again the next morning. All of the tests were coming back negative, but the pain was so severe that she was admitted to another hospital so she could see a GI doctor before the next week. She was in the hospital for 4 days, and all of the tests still came back negative. She's been home for a week now, with little change. She can consume fluids, but anything very solid causes intense pain and vomiting. The best guess as to the cause has been an allergic reaction to some mineral supplements, but I'm doubting that guess now because she has stopped taking them and still isn't getting better. We are grateful that at least she can be home and rest in more comfort for the time being. She is scheduled for further testing next week, and we are considering what other options we might have in finding the cause and treatment for this condition.

Christmas itself was a very wonderful occasion, with both Santa AND a Secret Santa making an appearance at our house. We received a great outpouring of love and support from family, friends, and neighbors, and our hearts have been and continue to be touched by the kindness and generosity and love we have witnessed. My parents and youngest sister came out for a visit, and we had a wonderful day together (until about an hour or so after they left when the sudden pain for my wife came on).

So much for a brief summary! I just can't let this post end without pointing out that I think I understand the phrase "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" now. Even though we have had a rough several weeks, I find myself generally happy and feeling more grateful than angry or upset. God has heard and answered our prayers. His Son provided a way for us to return to live with Him again, and we celebrated his birth into this world. His children on this earth have been amazing examples of His love as they have so willingly stepped up and sacrificed of their own time and resources to assist my family. How could I feel anything but gratitude in the face of so many blessings?

Sadness Part 6

My father in law had moved in with us a few weeks ago. After being with us for about a week, he passed away suddenly due to pneumonia on the 18th of November. His funeral is on the 25th.

Sadness Part 5

The divorce of my in-laws became final sometime in October 2008 I believe. My father in law has moved to another state and is working at a job that he doesn't much like. He's looking for another job, and he seems to be feeling the pain and trying to turn to God for help from the little we hear. It's still hard to find the right level of involvement with his personal life because he still spends a lot of time dealing with and thinking about his ex-wife.

We've heard rumors that my wife's mother was getting married, and we heard from her father today that it has happened. Again, we're trying to find the right balance of maintaining a relationship and not getting too involved. In the past few months, things became so difficult with her that we had to call a break to all contact with her while we recovered and worked to know what kind of a relationship might be possible in the future.

At this point, my wife wants nothing to do with her mother, as, in addition to the existing problems they had, she feels that her mother was AT LEAST having an "emotional affair" with the man she has married for over a year now, if not a physical one, and this sort of "falling in love with another man" has happened more than once in the past. She is willing to consider that, maybe, some day, she will want to have some contact with her mother, but she has no idea if she will ever feel that way.

We have been reading a book called "How to Hug a Porcupine", and we've tried to be sensitive to the things that we do that make us porcupine-like. Even so, the descriptions given in the first part of what a porcupine-like person does has sounded very familiar to how we have been treated by my mother-in-law. Hopefully we can learn to not be that way ourselves, and maybe even be able to deal with people who are that way.

This is the most closely I have ever been involved with a divorce, even though I've had siblings go through divorce in the past. I appreciate the support from those who know what we're feeling, and as bad as this is, I know it could always be worse. I'm glad it's not. We'll start working on building the relationship with her father again for now, and we'll depend on the Lord to help us going forward.

Weekend of Worry

Ever since my wife's parents have divorced, we've had to put new rules in place to protect my wife and the kids from as much of the fall out as possible. We now do not allow either of them to stay at our house overnight due to the stresses it creates. While that particular stress is now avoided, there are still plenty of others to go around.

Without going into too much detail, our family has suffered this weekend from the affects of a visit from one of my wife's parents. It has been an emotional and physical strain that makes us wonder how to balance our needs to protect ourselves with the commandment to honor father and mother, who sometimes are not deserving of honor in my opinion. If we continue to have this kind of fall out (EVERY member of the family has been negatively affected), how can that be good for our family, immediate and extended?

Sadness Part 4

We have tried to stay out of the loop as far as how counseling has been going for my in-laws. My father-in-law called my wife today asking how much she wanted to know. She said the general overview, and he said that it's done. It sounds like they are starting to divide up the possessions and look for what work they will do to support themselves as individuals.

It's hard for everyone.

Sadness Part 3

The court hearing took place, and it was decided by the judge to throw out the protective order. My father-in-law is no longer restricted from his house by law.

This of course does not alleviate the emotions and problems that led to this step in the first place. My wife was asked to be a witness for her father during the hearing, and she told the truth that both parties were verbally and emotionally mean to each other, but that there was no physical danger evident in her opinion. It was very hard for her to do, and she fears that it may have caused her mother to essentially disown her. I guess we will see how it all turns out.

I am glad that the legal issue is taken care of and gone. I hope that we will be able to insulate ourselves as much as possible from the marital issues while they work through them. They will only be resolved if both sides are willing to put in the necessary effort, and we do not want to have my wife or our kids be pawns in any gamesmanship that might take place.

I wish my in laws all the best in working through this.

Sadness Part 2

My father-in-law has been staying with us while waiting for the court date coming up tomorrow. He has been going through deep emotional pain, anger, frustration, and mourning, to name a few of the emotions.

I'm glad that we have been there to help him out, but I'm glad that he has also made arrangements to live with a friend in his hometown after the hearing. It is good to bear one another's burdens, but this is a divisive issue, and we need to maintain a neutrality toward both parties for our sake and the sake of our children.

We know his burden is great, as it has been heavy on us as well. I'm glad that we've been able to help him deal with the first wave of the burden, but it is time for him to move back to his hometown. If he's going to work on saving his marriage, he needs to be in closer physical proximity than he would be from our house.

Sadness Part 1

I expect that this will continue for some time, which is why I label the post Part 1.

My wife is an only child. Her parents have been having marital issues for some time, and they have now come to a head. While her mother was in the state capital and her father was visiting us, her mother had either a restraining order or a protection order drawn up. When her father returned home and tried to call her mother in the state capital, her mother had the police come and serve the order to her father and force him to leave the house. With no where to turn until he is able to find out more at the court hearing on June 4, he has come to visit us.

Both mother and father have caused pain to each other in the past, and both need to make changes in order for this situation to get resolved with them on better terms with each other. I don't know that both of them will be willing to do that.

It is hard not to choose sides (other than I am fully on my wife's side), and it is hard to know how to help my children deal with this new reality. They are really struggling to handle it. Of course, I don't know how I might be able to help my wife either, but at least it's not taking her completely by surprise.

My wife read the order and started to get the feeling that she, listed as "child in common" might be restricted from contact with her mother as well. We are uncertain if that is actually the case though, as the wording doesn't make it clear and the legality of something like that seems questionable. My wife has had her own difficulties with her mother over the years, and it is hard to know if there is anything that can be done to patch their relationship now.

My wife has had issues with her father in the past as well. These seem to be improving as time goes on. Perhaps there is a chance that one day things can work out better with her mother as well.